I would like to describe an interpersonal conflict situation involving my mother and I when I was in secondary school. The background of this conflict is set during the four years of secondary school. In school, some of my friends were in the habit of playing computer games in cybercafés every now and then. However, my mother was quite against me playing computer games with my friends in the cybercafé as she felt such gaming sessions were a bad influence on me. Her reasons were that she felt such activities might cause me to mix with bad company or lead me to suffer from computer game addiction. I on the other hand, felt that her demands were not entirely reasonable due to two reasons. Firstly, I was allowed to play computers games at home (so the argument that gaming in cybercafés would cause me to be a computer game addict does not seem like an airtight one). Secondly, in my opinion, my requests to go to cyber cafes with my friends were not excessive as I made them only once in a while, not every day.
The interpersonal conflict with my mother was basically a heated argument which I had with her over the above disagreement. Although it occurred in secondary school I cannot remember exactly when it happened. One day, when I came home, I mentioned to my mother that a couple of my friends were going out to enjoy a gaming session at a cybercafé. Next, I asked her for permission to go. From what I recalled, she replied in a rather agitated manner that she did not want me to go out with my friends. Considering that she had denied me several opportunities to go to the cybercafé with my friends in the past, I felt rather unjustly treated and I believed I lost my cool and started to engage in a heaetd debate with my mum. This unfortunately involved both of us shouting at each other. The crux of our argument was basically me accusing my mother of being excessively controlling and illogical while my mother accused me of being disobedient. I believe I stormed off to end the argument.
Right now, as I look back, I believe that a possible solution (which is easy to say but hard to do) would be to do as Brad suggested in class. I need to be aware of the negative emotions running through my mind at moment just before the heated debate started and be able to modulate my emotions so that I can communicate my emotions and requests courteously (7CS of communication) to my mother. Also I believe that showing empathy is important, as empathy is critical for successful interpersonal conflict resolution. Considering my mother loves me and desires what is best for me, I should have empathized with her viewpoint and let her know that I understand that gaming at a cybercafé has potential pitfalls and that I am able to manage such threats effectively in my personal life.
After reading this post, do you agree with my solution or do you think there are other things I should have done to avoid an argument and hopefully convince her to let me go out with my friends? In case you are wondering, this problem does not exist now as my mother gives me more freedom now than in the past (probably because I’m older). Hence she does not have problems with me gaming in cybercafés now.
I actually agree with your mother that a boy your age (young and impressionable at that time) should not frequent such cybercafes because they are often dark and dodgy places with shady characers. My friends pulled me to play a game of L4D once and i ended up having a huge headache probably due to motion sickness. So yes I might be biased towards not liking such places.
ReplyDeleteInstead of trying to communicate to her how you think you can handle such threats, why don't you stand from her perspective. To her, prevention is better than cure. It is better to be safe at home than sorry (if you meet any trouble out there).
Now that you're more mature, she knows you are not that young, impressionable kid anymore so naturally she would allow you to do whatever you like. If you think about it, she doesn't seem like a control freak anymore does she. She just reacted according to what she thought your maturity level was.
I would bring my mother along!
ReplyDeleteYou could DOTA together (or whatever the flavour of the month was when you were in secondary school... I'm guessing CS). Make a bet with her if you totally owned her then she has to leave you alone.
But thats just me.
Relationship management is a big thing in EQ i believe. I was just reading about that somewhere. Obviously you want to maintain a healthy relationship with you mother, but it seems here that your mother is lacking a little trust in you, and fears that you would succumb to negative influences.
How then could you get your mother to trust you more? Well you could list down all the other bad things you are exposed to but not influenced by (hey mom all my friends smoke... but I don't!). I've actually tried this before. Results may vary...
Alternatively you could sit down with your mother, explain to her that all of your gaming buddies are actually nice people, and it won't affect your studies/behaviour. I'm pretty sure a reasonable compromised could be reached.
Hi Jon! =)
ReplyDeleteI’ve had arguments like this with my mother before too! Of course those did not concern cyber gaming. But yea I understand how you would have felt at that point in time: unjustified and could not understand her over-protectiveness over this matter. And I guess she must have pushed you over the edge when she rejected your request once too many times. But still, it would have been better if the yelling didn’t occur, but at that age, being hot-blooded and all, it is still understandable where you were coming from. And yes I agree with you that it is because your mother loves you so much that she is really afraid that if she let you go just once, there is a possibility that you might start liking cybergaming and stuff. So the best way for her to prevent this would only be to deny you of any chances.
Nonetheless, I think it would be good if you actually brought your friends over so your mother might have a chance to look at them properly and know personally for herself that they are not the kind of boys your mother thought they might be. Maybe after that, your mother will be more willing for you to go out with them.
I’m quite sure it’s just an age issue for your mother to seem overbearing and overprotective. Right now your mother is mostly fine with the things you do. So I agree with michelle that at that impressionable age you were at, she was just afraid that you were not mature enough to differentiate good and bad, while now with you all grown up, it’s a different case =).
Hey Jon!
ReplyDeleteFirstly,I think that you have done a commendable deed by asking your mum for permission to go for the LAN gaming session. Many youths,at the age of the this stage of rebellion,would not even ask their parents for permission to do things,and will instead,do first then tell (if necessary) later. So this act of responsibility is definitely one thing you've done correctly!
And from your post,you probably have seen what you have done incorrectly. So I won't stay more on that. My question to you will be,do you think you have learnt how to deal with circumstances as such? Ie,someone who is close to you not agreeing to what you think is right. If it were to happen to you again (not in the area of LAN gaming of course), how do you think you will handle it?
@ Michelle: Hmmm nice to know my mother is not the only one who thinks like that haha. I remember that my secondary school self was rather upset with my mother because I didn’t understand why she did not allow me to go when other parents did. I do see your point that it is better to be safe than sorry and now as I look back, I do appreciate it that my mother was concerned enough for me to try and keep me away from bad company. I think that what you said about standing from her perspective makes sense.
ReplyDeleteWhy do you believe that cybercafés often have shady characters? Is this through your or your friends’ personal experience? This is because I’ve been LAN gaming for some time, and although I’m sure some cybercafés have bad company, I think it is a bit of a stretch to say that most of them have bad company. But then again, I may be wrong. I’m no expert on cybercafés haha. Would love to hear your view on this =).
@Faizal: Haha your suggestion was quite entertaining, but I don’t think my mother would like to play CS (yeah the flavor of the month then was CS).
ReplyDeleteYour suggestion about listing all the bad things I’m exposed to seems quite an unconventional tactic in my opinion. Did it work in your case? Although unconventional, I guess it could work on some parents heh. For my mother though I think it may backfire. She might get even more worried for me and place more restrictions on me ><.
I think your last suggestion about me sitting down with mother has the highest chance of working. I should have done that when I was in secondary school haha. Now why didn’t I think of that? ><
@Jac: Thanks for your comments! =). Ya I think it would be a good idea for me to have brought my friends over, especially since I had a PS2 with 2 controllers. Good machine for male teenagers to play with haha. Should have thought of that when I was in secondary school ><. Haha I think my secondary school self was quite blur (Edwin would probably say I’m still blur :P) to have not thought of all the good solutions that you guys are writing on my blog.
ReplyDelete@Edwin: Thanks for your compliment =). Also, that is a good question which you’ve posed to me. I know in theory what I should do, but I’m not sure if I actually will be able to do it. I do hope I can though. I think one possible problem which I could face is that of anger. I think I can be easily angered when someone close to me strongly disagrees with my view and who also pose as an obstacle to hinder me from reaching my goal. I would try to use diplomacy to resolve this conflict. By controlling my emotions and behaving in a calm and rational manner (easier said than done of course), I would, through a rational discourse, strive for a win-win solution with the other party. If a win-win situation is not possible, I would aim for the best possible outcome, such as a reasonable compromise. I would also try to understand the other person’s point of view not only at a cognitive level, but also at an emotional level. Furthermore, I would avoid using accusatory messages and try to communicate friendliness, humility and openness to the other party, so that he/she would be more open to my views and we can avoid a heated argument. Lastly, even if the other party is in the wrong and is using excessively harsh words to criticize me, I would avoid retaliating with angry words of my own and will try my best to overcome evil with good heh. It’s rather idealistic I know, but I do not think that repaying evil for evil will help anyone. I think trying to repay good for evil would probably improve the quality of our interpersonal relationships and also the quality of our lives.
Sounds good Jon! tough to apply all those unless you're a total saint! but yea, no worries! Since you've already been one for 2 years,you should be able regain the 'saintliness' when need arises! HAHA!
ReplyDeletehaha saint in name only! :P
ReplyDeleteThe solution you have mentioned will indeed be effective in resolving this conflict. Controlling one’s emotions is the hardest but it is also the most crucial in such situations when you feel so strongly about something. By leaving your emotions aside, you can express your views properly without the need to shout or argue. When you stand in her shoes, you will realise her intentions are good. The key is to understand that your mum loves you and that she has a reason for you not to go. Learn to respect her and that will affect the way you communicate with her.
ReplyDeleteCheers!
Sup Jon,
ReplyDeleteI see you are a 'saint'. Haha! That follows you are a Christian, if not in the past, then right now, I take it.
A mother's love is imperfect, but its the closest thing to God's love. I would say a mother's love is about 10 percent of God's love, and it is higher than all sorts of love in this world, including romantic love between a man and a woman!!!! In fact, romantic love is THE WEAKEST LOVE OF ALL TIME AND OF ALL KINDS!!!!!!!!!(contrary to what is portrayed in the media!!). Because a mother's love is closest to AGAPE LOVE---THE KINDA LOVE FOUND AND TAUGHT IN THE BIBLE, WHICH IS ALSO GOD'S LOVE!!!!!!!!
So Jon, if as a young teenager you can see this---that your mum loves you, I would be really surprised, because very few kids are that blessed with wisdom and knowledge of their minds/souls/hearts/psyches/spirits/natures. Therefore I would say if there was a problem then, it was good for you to be embroiled in one. Being involved in a fight with your mum or with anybody else for that matter, is good for learning, especially about God's word. God made that fateful day occur, in his scheme of divine plans for you, Jon. God doesnt put us in situations for no reason, even good ones; but understand that when God puts us in situations, they are ALWAYS INTENDED AND ALWAYS RIGHT!!!!!
Your mum didn't just happen to shout at you and vice versa, because if there are lessons in interpersonal (motivated by Godly virtues) communication for you, there are similarly for her. A part thereof communication fault lies also with your mum, because like I mentioned before, her LOVE IS IMPERFECT, because humans are imperfect. She loves you, and that is for sure, but she has trouble expressing it or communicating it across because of not only her imperfection, BUT ALSO, AND VERY VERY IMPORTANTLY, YOUR IMPERFECTION!!!!! Because she knows that no matter how she is going to smother you, she FEARS, DOUBTS, WORRIES, over her inability to do so---which is precisely because she knows you are ALSO HUMAN AND IMPERFECT!!!!!! So really, your mum and we human beings in general are trapped in a dilemma; because not only are we helpless about our shortcomings due to our imperfections, we are even more helpless about others' shortcomings due to their own imperfections; and especially if we care for them so much like your mum does you, so that others (imperfect people around us) EXERT A MORE FORMIDABLE AND DIRE PULL ON OUR PSYCHES/MINDS/SOULS/SPIRITS THAN WE CAN DO OURSELVES.
That is one of the BIGGEST EVILS OF SOCIALIZATION!!!!!!!!! That is why Jon, God demands we surround ourselves with Godly people in the form of Christian friends and acquaintances; and especially to cherish this relationship over those with your non-christian friends, because the former group of people are the ones who will liberate you, BUT ONLY PARTIALLY, from the formidable pull/impact of the evils of socialization (with non-believers).
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But of course your mum is a Christian, I presume, and even she didn't react in a Godly manner, much less if she were non-christian? (Not to say a non-believer wouldnt have acted better, but I'm concerned with the better of Godly motivated!!!)
ReplyDeleteThe only advice; in restropection of course, and with a helmet of wisdom, not to your teenage state of being then, would be that you obeyed your mum, despite her narrow-mindedness and irrational fear of your safety; because that would honourable. The bible says it clearly and canonically: to honour thy father and thy mother, AND TO GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT TO YOUR MUM AND DAD IN ALL MATTERS THAT DOES NOT CAUSE YOU JON, TO SIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(this is clearly stated in the bible).
So applying to your example, you should ask yourself; and if supposing you have the wisdom of an 80yr old when you a teenager then, whether your mum is causing you TO SIN (WITH RESPECT TO YOUR CONSCIENCE OF COURSE!) when she asked you not to play computer games at the cafe!!!!! Is that SIN????? No, it isnt. It in fact has nothing got to do with sin, it is leisure rather, unless the games teach you to kill/fight/rape/destroy/attack. If it does teach you such things, then you are so called-sinning, though not like literally murdering/killing/destroying: but such games DEFILE THE SANCTITY OF YOUR MIND!!!!!! So anyway, I dont think your mother knows what sort of games you play; and supposing you played innocent games like tic-tac-toe and cross-word puzzle, then when your mum asks you not to go and play games and to obey her, she is NOT asking you to sin; and if you played those killing/destroying/attacking games that are immodest, she is asking you not to sin, which has to be good; and though she herself didnt know what sorts of indecent games you played, but God has the power to make her, in her ignorance, to tell you about your faults and sins and weaknesses, by making use of our own secondary human decisions and choices.(this is what you and I call coincidence of incidence, but to God is foretold). For instance, if God wanted to make a fugitive murderer pay for his crime, he wont directly strike him dead by his DIRECT POWER. No! He will make use of another human being's secondary decision to speed down the driveway one fine day, because he had to attend his daughter's wedding and he's running late; and that driver's decision to speed and thus knock down the murderer and kill him on the spot, IS ALL WELL-PLANNED AND NOT AN INCIDENT OR COINCIDENCE!!!!!!!!(you can apply this to when your mum demands you dont play games at the cafe, because God is somehow using her, just as he used the speeding driver!!!!)
So, Jon, there it is: the bible and God demands that you, a christian son, obey her and GIVE HER THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT on all matters that dont cause/attract sin, because it is always for some good of yours.
Trying to contend with your mum; God wouldnt have liked it, and in the end, both persons come out losers in the interaction, BECAUSE GOD IS NOT GLORIFIED AND HIS WORD NOT HONOURED!!!!
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Remember that in a child-parent relationship, the onus is on the child to honour his parents by listening to them in any thing that doesnt cause them to sin, NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND!!!! You shouldnt argue that your mum or dad must listen to you, because that is non-biblical, and you shouldnt also teach that.
ReplyDeleteBut I know it is impossible Jon, because I have had similar experiences, and it is very hard to give in to your parents on matters that dont even cause you or me sin or any other harm or hurt. That is why, such an act of obedience, Jon, is supernatural!!!!!! The sort of child/teenager who can have such amazing obedience and honour for his parents has a supernatural mind/spirit/psyche/soul/nature!!!!! Supernatural is always associated with the occult, but the real supernatural lies in your mind/soul/spirit in that it has been TOUCHED AND REFURNISHED OR MADE COMPLETELY NEW AND WORTHY IN GOD'S SIGHT!! For any Christian, Jon, that MUST BE the effect of Christ's death at Calvary!!!
However I'm not saying, Jon, that an obedient and honourable christian child/teenager should always obey his parents on matters that doesnt cause him to sin; such as the choice of university studies, the choice of car to buy, the type of condominium to purchase, the choice of colour of shirt to buy for one's toddler, the best time to go for a holiday and its duration or whatever. No! I am not implying that! Rather, you your obedience are child/children/teenager ENDS WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Once you get married Jon, you do not need to obey your parents on these various neutral examples that I write about!!!!!!!! Because that is stated in the bible---that a man completely detaches from his life-givers---his parents; BUT BEFORE THE MARRIAGE, GOD REQUIRES YOU TO HAVE TOTAL OBEDIENCE TO YOUR PARENTS ON EVERY GOOD AND NEUTRAL MATTER!!!!!!
Cheers and love
apologies, in my 2nd post and the 3rd paragraph, it should read in one of the sentences this :
ReplyDelete"(this is what you and I call coincidence of incidence, but to God, it is foretold). "
apologies again, in my 3rd post and last paragrah, it should read in 2 of the sentences this:
ReplyDelete"Rather, your obedience as child/children/teenager ENDS WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED!"
"Because that is stated in the bible---that a man completely detaches from his life-givers---his parents, when he marries (but there still remains the duty to honor and love them, which is also clearly stated)."
Thank you, Jon, for sharing this family story from your past. You explained the scenario in good detail and with obvious perspective. While it doesn't adhere to our guidelines in the way of conciseness, it works well in language fluency, coherence and completeness.
ReplyDeleteI'm very impressed by the way your story has generated so much feedback from other readers. It's clear that the mother-child relationship resonates with each of us.
There are a few minor language issues to consider:
- Although it occurred in secondary school I cannot... >>> Although it occurred in secondary school, I cannot....
- From what I recalled, >>> From what I recall,
- ...that I understand >>> ...that I understood
I look forward to reading more of your writing!